beautiful knots.

I am having one of those days where I am in deep self interrogation, just short of self deprecation. Just as I feel like there's no other way I can possibly accomplish things better, communicate clearer, or love people dearer, I hit a knot...a huge knot of soul-questioning and an awkward guilt. Although highly unpleasant, confusing, and mind reeling I have concluded that knots keep me maturing, keep me digesting, and thinking...keep me alive. Knots are good for identifying just how little I know, just how dependent I really am, and for highlighting areas of sin that, if I had continued to plod thinly and weakly along as a string, would have been dead and numb to seeing. They negate me from getting too settled in my limited understanding or apathetic way of loving, and identify my status of fleshly versus Spirit led living. When I hit a knot, I'm coming to learn that it doesn't mean there is something wrong with me, it means the gears in my soul are awake and doing their job at making me aware of my needs and shortcomings. Therefore, I thank you beautiful knots, thank you revealing confusion for sparing my soul once again. That's all dearlings.

touch.

So often today touch is misconstrued, abused, or ignored entirely. These past couple weeks, when out with my girl friends, I so desired to walk as they would in a Jane Austen novel, arm in arm, or arms around each others' waists. But, alas, the world doesn't allow for that anymore. Assumptions are made and they have instantly robbed us of the comfort and propriety of that expression of affection. Last night I was telling my beautiful six year old cousin, Camila, a story. We were laying on the carpet cuddling and laughing in glee, our faces about three inches apart. As I stared into her luminous brown eyes, and she stared in mine, I realized that I never get that close to anyone...I always feel too exposed, too vulnerable, as if they could see every blemish, or they'd somehow misunderstand what my eyes tell them. As I went on about an endangered patch of singing flowers, and artists who draw magical worlds with their fingers in the sky, she tenderly played with my eyelashes, twirled my hair around her fingers and tucked it gently behind my ears, kissed my cheeks and squeezed them at the dimples when I laughed, and brushed her nose against mine in a sweet eskimo kiss. She was innocently and joyfully playing with the most personable aspect of my physical self...which made me feel incandescently adored. I stared at her unabashed and trusted she would have an unbiased opinion of my beauty. It reminded me just how much I love and long for closeness and touch, how much I love my precious Camila, and how much I love the pure affection of children in general.

thrift store finds.

Over the past few weeks I have been hunting in the wells of the past...I thought I'd share my joyous finds.

when sarah came.

This post is a little old, but here it is anyway. A couple weeks ago, Sarah Clarkson came to visit for a few days. One of the days, her and I took the ferry to Balboa Island, ate at a little Italian restaurant, split a delicious Balboa bar, and perused around the quaint little beach houses, critiquing them endlessly. As we walked along, our hearts huddled around the subjects of our futures, our plans, God's will, and the overall splendor of life and our ideals in it. It is so good to have like minded little souls in the world with whom you can muse about your own humble discoveries and reinforce them. We ended the afternoon at Crystal Cove just sitting and exfoliating our skin in the sand. What a lovely person Sarah is! I love her so dearly. God is good for giving us such a beautiful time.

everlasting moments.

If ever you wanted to watch a film that causes your heart to kindle, your mind to stretch, and your senses to be enriched to overflowing...Everlasting Moments must be added to your film repertoire. Taking place in Sweden, in 1907, a poor woman is torn between leaving her adulterous, alcoholic husband, or staying with him for the sake of her commitment and children. Amidst her struggle she discovers an old camera, befriends the kind man at the photograph shop, and begins to embrace her unique gift of seeing and capturing the simplistic beauties and events in her life, her endearing children being the greatest. I felt like I hadn't merely watched a movie, but had actually entered her life and spent those years growing with her decisions, heartbreaks, pains, and joys. It was so deep, moving, and beautiful...

we painted ourselves.

Elise always wanted to have a painted face shoot...so we did and it was superb.

Friendship.

When Sarah Clarkson came to visit, we were talking about the movie Nicholas Nickleby how much we both liked it (and how much both our mothers didn't...hee hee). So I watched it last night and was struck with the bond Nicholas and Smike shared. There is one line where Smike says, "You are my family. Please take me with you. I will be your loving and devoted servant, I really will. All I want is to be near you." And Nicholas replies, "From now on the world will deal with you as it does with me and no words of parting will you hear from my lips." And then at the end of the movie the closing line is, "So it is to be concluded that family is not merely those who share blood, but those who are willing to give their blood for the sake of the other." My Dad looked over and asked me what happened to those kind of friendships. I think we've lost them because friendships are no longer commitments, a commitment that used to be as important, albeit different, as marriage. You used to bind yourself to people, a bind that could not be so easily broken with the petty circumstances that often break relationships today. After the movie I searched my heart to see if I have committed myself to my friends, if I was a fair weathered friend or a faithful true one. I realized that all my binding glue for relationships is founded in Christ and as long as I sought Him, He would give me the strength and grace to remain faithful, true, encouraging, supportive, forgiving, and loving, even if I wouldn't myself. Then I felt such a hopeful freedom that I never would have to trust in myself for that which I can not provide and will quickly run out, but that it is in the blood bond with Christ that holds all my other friendships together.